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Rebecca Young
26 January 2017 @ 09:50 pm
I just got in a fight with my mom. Our communication is so bad and she is very reasonable most of the time but in some ways she just doesnt get it and is completely unreasonable and makes it a no win situation. Like today she wants to help with my recovery and i told her getting food would be a way to help so she has been doing that and then in our fight she said to remember that everything is harder for her than it is for me. So i told her that she should just tell me when she needs me to do something/she can't help, and she just went back to the fact that she thought she asked if I was taking the dog for the walk. Which was not clear to me. Ive been here for 4 days and this is happening. I don't know if its just a bad day or if this is what I have to look forward to this semester. I will keep an open minfd. Things will be better when dad gets home and the car and school things are settled.
Rebecca Young
09 January 2017 @ 11:48 pm
I used to do these all the time. Now one showed up on swap-bot and I thought it might be good things to think about.....

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? 19

Which is worse, failing or never trying? Never trying, definitely. you aren't living if you aren't trying

If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? because we are trying to please others and because we need money and are in a community which doesnt value self care enough

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? I don't know. I say a lot of things, but I also do things. Probably more ideas than doing.

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? Not saying

If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? That is one of my biggest struggles right now. Therapy with young adults with mental illness.. or running a craft store... I dont think I would be happy doing just one thing. I need variety in my life.

Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? We will see in the next two weeks, whether I am in school or cape cod.

If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? I would probably work harder and be more busy and care about my health less.

To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? I have found that the best way to live my life is to take opportunities as they come. When I plan things, its not what I really want.

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Very good hard question. I used to be concerned about doing everything perfect. But I have gotten a lot better on that. Right now I am more focused on doing the right things.

You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? I would stand up for my friend and present my view and what I have observed about them.

If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
Would you break the law to save a loved one?
Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?
Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
Why are you, you?
Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
What are you most grateful for?
Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
Has your greatest fear ever come true?
Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
If not now, then when?
If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?
Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
Rebecca Young
09 January 2017 @ 11:27 pm
Multi-day blizzards(like 16") and trying to refill meds don't mix. Missing meds makes me miserable. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Rebecca Young
04 January 2017 @ 11:44 pm
preparing for a bad night/tomorrow. Don't know whats been up with me but I missed my morning meds two days now and had way too much coffee today. normallyl it calms and focuses me but right now i am just jittery and feel like static electricity is running through my body. Its frustrating because I know its my own fault and i should have been paying more attention to... whatever. myself. anything.everythig. Now I know i am not going to be able to sleep for ages. It took 2 hours last night, a new record. I need to figure that out. I waste so much time trying to fall asleep. People wonder how i read so many books. its because i listen to an hour and a half everynight basically. I was eating wierd today too now that I think of it. At least I can fix my computer now and eat something.
Rebecca Young
04 January 2017 @ 02:37 pm
Please answer the following questions. You may skip any ONE question as long as you describe why you want to skip it. EMAIL your partner the answers. Complete answers are required. Do not leave one or two word answers (a couple like that are ok but most should be complete sentences or maybe even a couple sentences or more).

'Last year' refers to 2016 and 'next year' refers to 2017.

End of year questions

What did you do in 2016 that you had not done before?
 I stayed with my family for all of winter break instead of going home to work, I learned how to make art out of metal, and worked on a plan to start selling my art.

Did you keep your New Year's Resolutions/goals for the year and will you make/set more for next year?
 What are the goals? What are your new ones? I always choose one word per year to think about and focus on but am embarrassed I forgot this years. There are a lot of unknowns about this next year so it is hard to set normal goals. My only concrete ones I am setting are to get back into recovery from my eating disorder, start an etsy shop, and try to stay positive about things.

Did anyone you know give birth? Or become pregnant?

Did anyone you know die? Or have a serious illness?
 Yes. Richard who has been my mentor and second father for over half my life had a bad cancer relapse. He was hospitalized for at least 2 'onths(I don't know his status right now) and almost died multiple times. They haven't sent me an update in awhile but he was in bad shape when I left for break.

What places have you visited?
 Just cape cod(where my family lives) and places I competed in pole dancing, but there I basically drove there and never got to leave the hotel so it doesn't really count.

What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016 (doesn't have to be a physical thing)?
 Family. More friend time. Art in my life. To do crafts. Recovery.

What date from 2016 will remain etched in your memory and why?
 It's not a specific date but the time of year when Richard was hospitalized will probably stick with me.

What was your biggest achievement this year?
 Getting back to doing art

Did you get sick or injured? How about your family?
 I relapsed(anorexia) and my mom is fighting various health problems

What was the best thing you bought?
 Art supplies.

Where did most of your disposable income go (money leftover after you pay for food, transportation and shelter)?
 Art/craft supplies

What song will always remind you of 2016?
 The song I did for my routine last January. El dorado by the callejones

What do you wish you would have done more of?
 Fun things, being with friends, talking, working on recovery.

What do you wish you would have done less of?
 School and work

What was your favorite new TV program? Movie? Album/Songs? Or if you didn't pick up any new ones, what are you still watching/listening to?. Blind spot is a new tv show I started and love. I just watched the scorch trials. Songs.. none really

What was the best book you read this year?
 How many did you read? A lot. One thing I did a lot of was listen to audiobooks. I don't think I can choose a favorite or even list them, I read so many. I guess Maria V Snyders new series was particularly good.

What did you do on your birthday and how old were you? Did you feel differently?
 26. Don't remember what I did. I think I just hung out with a friend and it was fun but I also might have just hung out with my cat.

What political or social issue stirred you the most?
 Trump winning the election and what he might do.

Who was the most interesting new person you met? Kathryn, my new closest friend.

What changed at your job?
 I got fired..

What changed in your home?
 The basement flooded, everything fell apart and had to be fixed(and is not fixed yet) and the world blew up. Not exaggerating.

Describe how a relationship changed.
 My best friend decided she didn't want to be friend anymore..

Do you think you are still the same person that you were at the beginning of the year?
 No. I am much better about communicating and relationships, I am more into art. I feel like I have lost a lot of people which has made me shut myself off some. And I relapsed.

Summarize the year in three words or less. Bonus points for doing it in one word. Explain.
 Lessons in life. This year has been about me learning a lot of things in a lot of different areas of life and changing because of those lessons.

How have people around you changed?
 Best friend grew cold and shut me out. Richard got sick and shut me out. I am growing closer to my family, especially my brother.

What have you learned throughout the year? (Other than crafts)
 That is too long a list to go through. I guess one main thing is to treat every one and everything including yourself and the planet with care and respect.

What was your favourite outfit for warm weather? Cooler weather?
 Tank tops and shorts. New sweatshirts I got for Christmas.

Did you learn any new crafts or techniques? What was your favourite thing you made?
 Tons. I particularly liked working with fused glass and making seashell flowers

What changed about your physical appearance? (Hair? Wrinkles? New makeup style? Etc)
 Hair is longer and a bit darker. I am thinner(in a bad way).

What are your hopes and dreams for the new year?
 That things start getting better and I stay close with my family. But I don't know what I'm doing or where I am headed so I don't know more than that.

Happy New Year

Rebecca Young
31 December 2016 @ 11:40 pm
Also, dont know what it means, but I am drinking because i want to be fuzzy and okay. I know it wont work though. Too high of a tolerance.
Rebecca Young
31 December 2016 @ 11:37 pm
Marker in my life. The first new years I was sad to see come. I don't know what this world is in for but there are a lot of changes in my life and most are bad and unknown at this point. Richard i sick and will have a weaker heart the rest of his probably shorter life, and I have no idea how he is. in 20 days a man I am scared of is becoming our president(I know i dont ever talk about politics...but it is in my head. I know big changes are coming and I am the most tuned in to the news as I have been in my life. I have strong opinions. I just have heard everything said so many times it seems pointless of me to say it too.) I dont know where I am going in life. I am going to school this semester because I have to, not because I want to, which goes against all my principles of life. All in all, not a year I am looking forward to.

But things on the cape are great, I just dont want to break my bubble and hit reality. But I know I have to soon.
Rebecca Young
21 December 2016 @ 11:11 pm
Did most of my crafts todday... still feeling pretty restless. dont know how im going to get through this week. its nice seeing my puppy and nice being with family ish but i cant stand this doing nothing and sitting around playing dragonvale. its pointless. i am spending hours clicking on an ipad to breed dragons and get fake money. I want to do something with a reason. might go back to michaels tomorrow to get more to do. i think i have aprox 1 days worth of crafts left.at this rate maybe at some point i will actually be good enough to sell my art.
Current Mood: restlessrestless
Rebecca Young
20 December 2016 @ 11:02 pm
So I got to the cape last night.Today told me a lot about what its going to be like here and what i need to do. I woke up super late(which needs to not happen). Brian had one car, Mom had the other so I was stuck at the house. I had nothing to do except use my computer and ipad and apparently I am not from my generation because i got very tired of electronics pretty quickly. I also got really uncomfortable not being able to leave the house. Mom came back and I was going to leave and go to the craft store to get stuff to do and then dad said he needed the car and i started kind of freaking out. When I explained they let me go and I went and explored the craft store for a hour or two and felt much better. Then the day got a lot better. I did crafts and i think thats just going to be my lifeline. i kept sitting down to wait for stuff to set and played games on my ipad but everytime it just... dont like it. wanted to be doing something. I think I have been getting by this fall by always doing something and now I am having to face a lot of free time and my strong instinct is to find things to do to fill up the time. Which is okay because right now its crafts but i also know if i need to be busy this much that means there is a lot of distress and thinking I am avoiding. Also my family is doing the not interacting thing and its bothering me today. I want to go back to when we just came to the cape on vacations and did projects together, not just sit in the same room. Going to try to find crafts to do with mom and play cards with dad more.
Rebecca Young
16 December 2016 @ 09:09 pm
So i didnt think it had been that long. i wasnt really thinking. But i was running out of geodon and it was super complicated and my psychiatrist doesnt use voicemail so i just went down a dose.. and i guess it was for too long. I started feeling fairly depressed midmorning.So I guess I know one of my meds helps me, and now its all fixed and i have my meds.

nothing exciting. did some fusing at west. cleaned up at home. had a miserable complicated fight with walgreens for an hour trying to get said meds. played dragonvale. Hid under the covers.

Tomorrow I am home all day so I am going to try for 3 normal meals. Also get to the vinery so I have stuff to do. But that means dealing with the snow.

which btw last weekend and this weekend are the absolute worst times we could have chosen to perform christmas carol. The weather clearly wants christmas spirit to be real.